Our discussion tonight focused on various forms of communication, including vocal, nonverbal, and articulation, as well as the complexities of language through culture. However, instead of delving deeply into these open-ended topics, we explored the concept of self-talk and self-communication.
We recognized that this is essentially what coaching is about. Some of us may have felt frustrated during the Cambridge course because, as our professors mentioned, the program is not designed to mold you into coaches like us. Instead, it’s about helping you find your own path as a coach, starting with self-reflection and self-talk.
While we did examine aspects of verbal and nonverbal communication, three areas of self-reflection and self-talk communication particularly stood out: Perfectionism, Self-Reflection, and Coachee ‘judgement.’
Perfectionism
Verywellmind.com and Curran define a perfectionist ‘“A perfectionist has “excessively high personal standards and overly critical self-evaluations.” [1] They insist on perfection and accept nothing shy of flawlessness. This can manifest as criticism of self and others and in attempts to control situations and people.’ However, one participant emphasized the importance of the coach understanding how perfectionism is defined. It could be a definition created by the individual, a stakeholder, or society. By exploring this definition of perfectionism, the participant was able to gain insights from self-reflection. We also explored the potential link between perfectionism and a lack of confidence, which could have deeper, more complex origins and challenges.
[1] Curran T, Hill AP. Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychol Bull. 2019;145(4):410-429. doi:10.1037/bul0000138
Another participant discussed how family coaching is essential for understanding teenagers’ struggles. They touched on the fact that teenagers not only struggle with communication within the family but also grapple with internalized self-limiting beliefs. These beliefs often stem from anxiety about the future and stress from the past. As a result, these present limitations can leave a teenager or child feeling stuck, which may lead to outbursts or misbehavior.
Sometimes, the best question to ask in a challenging situation is, “Are you okay right now?” This question encourages focus on the present, not the past or the future. How can we achieve a balance to stabilize the mind under current circumstances and control what is within our grasp?
There’s a story about a horse rider who had trouble transitioning from a trot to a canter because of past complications. By asking themselves if they were okay in the moment, they were able to ride the horse and transition to a canter without any issues. This success was due to their focus on the present moment and what they could control, rather than dwelling on past negative experiences.
Another participant discussed a method that their coaches use to overcome procrastination and perfectionism by using the S.H.I.T. technique – Swift, Haphazard, Incomplete, and Temporary – to rapidly start a problem without fear of perfection. This technique works for them because their clients, who are usually between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five, find humor in the vulgarity of the word. As this coach states, criticism is easier than creativity. By giving permission to create a draft, they can critique and make necessary alterations towards “perfection” later. In any case, they have a starting point which helps to alleviate stress.
Self-Reflection
Just like starting a new task or allowing oneself to fail, self-reflection and self-talk are incredibly important for mental health and clarity.
One participant shared a story from their professor, a world-renowned Christian coach. He discussed the effects and impact of mental burnout during the COVID-19 pandemic. He was struggling due to moral or ethical conflicts as his coaching goals conflicted with his self-beliefs. Nonetheless, he continued coaching.
Although this is a rough paraphrase, it illustrates that even world-renowned coaches experience conflicts that verge on needing therapy or causing self-doubt. As a result, they may need to reassess the situation. They might have to stop coaching a client or, as in this professor’s case, take a break from coaching to reevaluate their life, aspirations, goals, and progression.
This idea pertains to whether you’re a professional, an amateur, or an adolescent. The truth is, sometimes you find yourself in situations that make you feel uncomfortable and challenged in potentially healthy or unhealthy ways. In such instances, it’s essential to be confident in our ability to walk away. This can be achieved through self-reflection, self-analysis, and communication with ourselves, employing open and honest interpretations.
This leads us into an anecdote about a world-renowned coach. He was not only genuine and warm but openly admitted one of his weaknesses: an unwillingness to interrupt, which he attributed to his cultural upbringing from having a Japanese mother.
During the intermission, he demonstrated this weakness by not interrupting the classroom chatter to resume his lecture. Unaware of his re-entry, the students continued their conversation, highlighting their lack of peripheral vision and true empathy. This incident underscored the importance of not just hearing, but truly listening to what someone is saying.
Although the students heard the professor’s words, they did not register their sincerity. As a result, some had to wait silently and awkwardly for class to start while their peers continued to chat. The professor wouldn’t begin due to his expressed weakness.
However, this unwillingness to interrupt can also be seen as a strength. It can create a space for an individual to work through a problem themselves. Therefore, it can be viewed as either a strength or a weakness, depending on the perspective.
Regardless, it’s essential to understand the severity and sincerity of the statement and not pressure others into uncomfortable situations. This is accomplished through nonverbal peripheral communication and observation.
Coachee’s saying “You should have asked me this question?”
Limited peripheral vision is not only a challenge for an audience, but also for individuals. This raises the question of coachability, and whether an individual is truly open to seeing their world from different perspectives. One participant shared a difficult experience during a voluntary, reciprocal coaching session with an experienced business coach. The situation was challenging, and in the end, the coachee asked the coach, “Why didn’t you ask me this question?”
This issue was brought up for the second time. The first instance occurred in our WhatsApp group community, where a member from a different country in the same industry had a similar experience.
One participant noted that as coaches, we are under scrutiny. On the other hand, another participant posed two questions: First, if we are being judged as coaches, does it mean we failed to foster empathy or create a safe space for the coachee to be vulnerable? Second, is the coachee not in the right frame of mind to be coached?
During our group discussion on WhatsApp, we considered various questions that could reposition the mindset. This strategy gives the coachee control but also allows us to guide the conversation in a compliant coaching manner. In the group chat, we suggested a few additional questions, such as:
- Great question. Have you explored this before? If so, how would you benefit differently this time from me asking you a question you’ve previously explored?
- Coaching is an open process. You are free to explore any self-actualizing questions that arise from these sessions. Don’t wait for me to ask something that you’re actively thinking about.
- [Input in comments or in our group] Are there other responses?
Our discussion underscored the importance of self-talk, self-reflection, and the ability to navigate complex dynamics between the coach and coachee. We delved into the nuances of perfectionism and how its definition varies depending on the individual, stakeholder, or societal perspective. We also shed light on the critical role of self-reflection in maintaining mental health and clarity, along with the necessity of being comfortable with uncomfortable situations. Lastly, we explored the complexities of creating a safe space for coachees, where they feel open to exploring their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgement. These conversations reinforced the essence of coaching – to guide individuals towards self-actualization and empower them to take control of their personal and professional progression. As we continue to learn and grow as coaches, let us keep these insights in mind and apply them in our practice to better serve our coachees, because even world-renowned coaches have doubts.
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